We always think that marriage gives us a sense of reliance, but in the end, it brings us endless harm. So, the real meaning of marriage is not to find everlasting reliance, but to gradually learn to be independent within marriage.
Independence is a common topic in relationships or marriage, but in reality, not many people can truly be independent.
Many people actually enter a relationship in an independent state, but gradually lose their independence because they feel that the other person can be their most solid reliance.
In fact, even if a marriage is happy and the partner sincerely cares for you, maintaining self-independence is still significant.
The first step to independence is undoubtedly financial independence.
Financial independence is not just about preventing oneself from being unable to support oneself due to relationship issues in the future; more importantly, it allows you to meet your basic living needs. In simple terms, you can afford what you like without having to consider the other person’s opinion or seek their approval.
So, never willingly give up your financial independence. Otherwise, if you unfortunately encounter betrayal one day, the other person might say to you, “You eat mine, wear mine, use mine, what else do you have to be dissatisfied with… look, how ungrateful you are!”
Financial independence prevents you from being mistreated; this is an eternal truth.
If you are not financially independent, you will always be at the mercy of others, because life is practical, and material needs and survival are still the top priority. If you can’t even manage your basic necessities, then you will definitely become dependent on the person providing for you, and this is also the truth. In that case, you can only endure, no matter how the other person treats you, you have to accept it all.
Why is it that a homemaker who experiences betrayal is almost impossible to divorce, and often has to passively accept many situations that ordinary people cannot accept? The reason lies here. So, to resolve betrayal, you must first achieve financial independence; otherwise, everything else is in vain.
The second step to independence is having independent character or emotional independence.
It is not difficult to notice that in relationships or marriage, many people have good financial conditions, but still feel helpless in dealing with relationship and marriage problems.
Behind this kind of situation, the root cause is lack of independent character or spirit.
People with a lack of independent character or spirit probably exhibit certain characteristics in their relationships or marriages:
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They are used to accommodating the other party, sacrificing themselves, and always taking the initiative to compromise when encountering conflicts. They feel restless once in conflict with the other party, so they always choose to compromise to maintain a harmonious relationship.
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They care more about the other party than themselves. They let the other party’s emotions dictate their own emotions, allowing the other party to control their emotions.
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They base their self-awareness on the other party’s perception. If the other party thinks they are good, they feel good about themselves; if the other party thinks they are not good, they feel genuinely inadequate. Once the other party points out their flaws, they feel guilty, and will adjust and change themselves according to the other party’s wishes, even if it means suffering.
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They depend on this relationship and this person. Even if this person hurts them and doesn’t care about them, they still treat the other person the same. The worse the other party treats them, the more they try to be kind to the other party—a phenomenon known as “self-inflicted humiliation.” When the other party mistreats them, they make excuses for the other party, often using a “bodhisattva’s heart” to view their own experiences, believing that everything they have gone through is fate and part of their spiritual growth, without considering that these are all the pains and troubles caused by the other party.
The above behaviors are actually manifestations of a lack of independent character. With a lack of independent character, one becomes obsessed with the relationship and the person, and can never let go, viewing the other person as their savior.
How to solve the issue of independent character?
On the one hand, it is necessary to analyze one’s original family upbringing. People with a lack of independent character in emotional relationships are basically a result of their upbringing in the original family. It may be the result of the pattern of the original family, which has led to these consequences. Therefore, one must transform oneself, break away from the influence of the original family on oneself. This process is called the second growth—every original family is imperfect and has fixed patterns, which we unquestionably accept. In this way, we have inherited both the good and the bad.
The second growth is about breaking away from the original family and completing self-evolution. This is why, at a certain point in life, one tends to have opinions about their parents, because they have seen the fatal weaknesses in themselves, which are the result of their parents’ genes. When facing the flawed self, they are powerless. At this point, they may “transfer their anger” to their parents, but through their own second growth, they will eventually reconcile with their parents.
On the other hand, one must learn to objectively view oneself. We often say that we must learn to love ourselves. An essential part of this is self-awareness—recognizing one’s strengths and weaknesses, accepting both the good and the bad. Only by doing so can we truly love ourselves. If one denies oneself, or constantly belittles oneself, these are all manifestations of a lack of independent character, and as a result, one may become inferior, negative, look down on oneself, and feel powerless when facing difficulties and setbacks, without the ability to solve them.
The way to adjust is to learn to take charge of oneself. The most important thing is to stand firm in one’s own thoughts—persist in what one believes is right, and firmly refuse to compromise when one believes it is wrong. It sounds simple, but it is actually very difficult to achieve this state. It requires a lot of work and practical efforts. It is not something that can be achieved by just meditating for a few days.
Independence is also a kind of strength, or rather, it requires specific conditions. Why do successful people appear relatively independent? It’s because their success gives them a strong psychological suggestion, making them very confident. Therefore, independence is never hollow; it is practical and grounded.