In relationships, arguments are inevitable. But not all arguments are the same. Some arguments can enhance understanding, bring people closer, and strengthen relationships, while others can hurt feelings and even lead to breakups.
As someone who has been through many battles, today I boldly want to talk about the art of arguing.
When looking for images, I found this little drawing by my daughter, Sarah, quite fitting:
The inspiration for this came from a friend who confided in me one day:
“I had another argument with my husband, and what’s frustrating is that even though I’ve been upset all night, he still doesn’t know why I’m mad! In the morning, he acts like nothing happened, and when I ignore him, he blames me for being unreasonable!”
I lost count of how many times I’ve seen similar scenarios, reflecting my own past. Back then, being young and inexperienced, not knowing the ropes of arguing was normal. But now, with friends being married for over a decade, why are they still stuck in this “basic stage” of arguing?
Feeling sorry for her, I couldn’t help but give her a piece of my mind, not attacking her husband but rather pointing out her faults:
“Do you still see yourself as a little princess? Why should he be a mind reader? If he did something to upset you, just say it instead of making him guess! In the beginning, when you were young, he might have had the patience to play detective, but now, after all these years, why haven’t you two figured things out? Were all the past arguments pointless?”
It’s normal for two people with different backgrounds, personalities, and behaviors to have friction and conflicts when in a close relationship. As long as the love is there, each argument can deepen understanding and intimacy. This kind of arguing has a positive purpose.
On the contrary, couples who never argue are not in a good place. It either means one of them isn’t fully invested, or there’s a significant imbalance where one feels psychologically inferior.
Even worse than arguing is the silent treatment. Arguing, at least, shows a willingness to communicate, although the style of communication needs refinement. Many couples argue throughout their lives but still make it to old age together. When both parties stop bothering to argue and completely give up on communication, leading to endless silent conflicts, that’s much more serious.
In a way, being able to argue with someone is a form of happiness. After all, it’s only in front of those close to us that we can express ourselves freely without holding back, allowing our true emotions to flow.
Arguing tests a person’s emotional intelligence. To be someone who can argue effectively, keep in mind these three points:
1. Avoid Being Two-Faced in Arguments
Not all arguments are positive, and the most common mistake leading to negative arguments is being insincere and not honestly expressing your feelings.
We often fall into the trap of expecting more from those closest to us. We believe they should understand us without us having to say anything. If they fail to understand, we think they are in the wrong and no longer care about us.
Even worse, some people pretend everything is fine on the surface but are filled with complaints underneath. This hidden resentment doesn’t disappear on its own; it either turns into intentional coldness, being indifferent, or manifests in passive-aggressive behavior. This only leads to misunderstandings and makes it difficult to get along with such a person.
There’s a type of arguing called “punishment-style arguing.” The real reason for the argument stems from a past event that wasn’t resolved properly, leading to lingering resentment. Later on, through actions of non-cooperation and impatience, this pent-up anger is released. Using deliberate provocations or passive-aggressive behavior to retaliate against past wrongdoings.
However, the problem is, the other person doesn’t know why you’re retaliating. During the initial incident, you didn’t express your dissatisfaction honestly but chose to endure it or be insincere.
To put it simply:
Imagine it’s raining heavily, and I call my husband asking him to pick me up. He says he’s busy and can’t come, so I reply, “It’s okay, you’re busy.” My manners made me appear understanding at the time. I said it’s okay, but deep down, there’s a hint of displeasure lingering. It might not bother me immediately, but someday, triggered by a popular article or some other action of his, that negative emotion from the rainy day will amplify, waiting to erupt. I start doubting his care for me or his love. So, when he comes home from work as usual and talks to me, I intentionally act aloof, putting on a sour face. Being tired after a day’s work, he doesn’t want to endure this seemingly baseless provocation, leading to a senseless battle.
This behavior is a classic example of punishment-style arguing. No need for further explanation; you can imagine the rest of the story. Anyone would think the wife is either experiencing premenstrual syndrome or menopause. To attribute her actions to a bad temper or a quirky personality, feeling burdened with an unsatisfactory wife, isn’t this unfair to her?
Punishment isn’t the goal; making the other person understand your needs is. Only then can you avoid recurring unpleasant situations. Imagine if the other person doesn’t even know the reason behind your unhappiness; how can they improve?
2. Express Your Dissatisfaction Directly
Always express your dissatisfaction honestly to avoid accumulating negative energy.
Sometimes, in public or in front of family, it may not be appropriate to express your feelings immediately. However, it’s essential to communicate with the other person as soon as possible afterward and not let the issue linger.
Some people believe that endurance is a virtue, but I don’t entirely agree. Suppressing negative emotions without addressing them leads to hidden resentment, which can resurface and become difficult for the other person to understand and accept. After all, holding grudges and keeping score can severely damage relationships.
The highest form of virtue shouldn’t be about endurance but about not feeling angry in the first place. In other words, true magnanimity comes from not harboring anger regardless of the other person’s actions. This level of understanding requires extraordinary self-discipline. As ordinary individuals, it’s better to be straightforward, as it contributes to overall well-being.
Furthermore, pay attention to how you express your dissatisfaction. Use a positive attitude to guide the other person instead of blaming, accusing, or scolding. Use sentences like “If you could… I would…” The calmer the tone, the more likely it is to be accepted. Otherwise, it’s easy to trigger a new argument.
For example, in the previous rainy day scenario, I could have expressed my slight disappointment at the time while showing understanding. I could have said in a playful tone:
“Oh, it’s raining so heavily. It would have been so nice if my husband could come pick me up. But since you truly can’t leave, I’ll just head home. But when I get back, you have to give me a nice massage.”
Doesn’t that feel much better? It lets him sense my disappointment, release a bit of negative energy, and show understanding for his situation. Asking him to give me a massage as compensation closes the matter completely, so he doesn’t feel indebted, and I can feel his care and affection during the massage.
3. Don’t Forget to Reason Even After Making Up
Returning to the argument between my friend and her husband, after my “lecture,” she realized she wasn’t entirely innocent, and her anger had subsided. Engrossed in work during the day, chatting and laughing with colleagues, by the time she got home, the remaining anger had dissipated. They made up like that.
The next day, happily reporting to me that everything was fine, I asked, “Did you clear up the previous issues with him?” She said she hadn’t brought it up again and acted like nothing had happened.
Surprised by her nonchalant attitude, I continued to “educate” her:
“You, oh you, you truly are clueless! In your husband’s eyes, your sudden anger arose and dissipated without any reason. He still doesn’t understand what happened. From his perspective, doesn’t this just confirm his belief that you’re unstable and unpredictable emotionally? This argument was pointless. Since he doesn’t know the problem, there can’t be any change. Yes, you seem to have made up, but when faced with a similar situation in the future, an explosion might occur again.”
Remember, the purpose of arguing isn’t just to vent emotions but mainly to help both parties adapt to each other. By laying out the differences, allowing both to understand each other’s expectations, needs, and boundaries, compromises can be made, leading to unity. As long as the other person cares about the relationship, there will be some change, and the same issues won’t repeat in the future. That’s when the argument wasn’t in vain.
In conclusion, arguments are a natural part of any relationship. It’s essential to handle them wisely, openly express feelings, and strive for mutual understanding and growth. Learning to argue effectively can strengthen relationships and pave the way for healthier interactions in the future.
So, dear reader, have you learned how to argue effectively now?
In the past, there was a term called “husband training,” which nowadays might spark controversy. But if you observe closely, you’ll see elements of this concept still exist in real life. In my view, both parties end up being “trained” in the process.
We willingly undergo this training because we are still in love.