Recognizing and Overcoming Emotional Blackmail
There’s a popular question online: What’s the most shameless thing a manager has said? The second top answer is as follows:
Once, I was in charge of a tough project and couldn’t finish it on time. I asked the boss for two more days, but after a few requests, the boss coldly said, “The company needs employees who are fully dedicated. If you don’t want to work overtime, just say it. But your promotion plan needs to be reconsidered.” To keep my hard-earned promotion opportunity, I had to work overtime in distress and resentment.
In reality, there are many bosses like this. My former boss was the same. Her way of training people was to criticize you for not contributing enough, not earning bonuses, and even dragging down colleagues. Every time after her attack, I would fall into self-doubt. To avoid being so upset again, I became more obedient to my boss, but felt uneasy inside. In my subsequent career, I became fearful of encountering such “personal attack-style” reprimands and always treaded carefully in the superior-subordinate relationship.
If you’ve had similar experiences, whether in the workplace, family, or social settings, don’t rush to blame yourself. As victims of emotional blackmail, we are not weak, but the “enemy’s” tactics are deeply ingrained. We may not even realize that we are deeply embroiled in emotional blackmail, and our emotional behaviors are being manipulated.
What Is Emotional Blackmail and How Does It Work?
Renowned psychotherapist Susan Forward first systematically expounded the concept of “emotional blackmail.”
Emotional blackmail refers to the blackmailer poking at the psychological weak points of the other party for their own benefit, and then making demands. If there’s resistance, they will further apply pressure or even threats until the other party submits. Blackmailers will repeat this process to gain greater benefits, while the victims are like frogs in warm water, often waking up at the last moment, already unable to extricate themselves.
For example, if person A wants to use emotional blackmail to pass work to person Y so they can leave early for a date, the conversation might go like this:
A (making demands): Y, I have a very important date today, can you help me finish this task? It’s almost done!
Y (resisting): But I also have plans after work today, I’m sorry!
A (applying pressure): We’ve been colleagues for so many years, and you can’t even help with this small favor?
A (threatening): I thought we were friends, but it seems I was mistaken.
Y (submitting): Sigh, don’t be mad, I didn’t mean that, I’ll take care of the task. Have fun on your date.
A (succeeding): Thank you so much! (This works well, I’ll do this again next time.)
Tactics Used by Emotional Blackmailers to Succeed
The “three-hit” strategy of emotional blackmailers, as seen in the previous examples, involves intimidation, belittlement, and causing self-blame. Everyone has psychological weak points, and the blackmailer’s “three-hit” always hits a weak spot, like a tightening net, catching you off guard.
Let’s start with intimidation. Susan Forward mentioned: “Humans are social animals, and being excluded from the support and care of intimate partners is a very miserable experience for many people. Therefore, the fear of exclusion has become the most influential and easily triggered type of fear.”
Blackmailers exploit this most instinctive fear. For instance, a boss saying to a subordinate, “If you don’t do as I say, you’re fired,” or parents saying to their children, “If you don’t behave, I’ll disown you,” or friends saying, “Drinking is a sign of our brotherhood.” As long as the victim still cares about the relationship, these threats can break their defenses.
Next, belittlement. Blackmailers’ favorite method of belittlement is to “draw a line,” first labeling you as a “good person,” then drawing you out of the “good person” camp.
For example, the founder of Hammer Technology, Luo Yonghao, once praised a subordinate, saying the subordinate returned home for a funeral but came back to work within a week, showing great dedication. In reality, Luo’s implication was, “If you can’t sacrifice like him, you are not dedicated enough.” If you are his subordinate or a professional who agrees with his management policy, you’ll inevitably self-reflect and fear that your career will lose to “not being dedicated enough.”
Lastly, causing self-blame. We are all social animals, morally and professionally acknowledging various responsibilities, and blackmailers exploit this.
Blackmailers “package” their demands and cleverly place them within your responsibility zone. We are familiar with many examples, such as “helping colleagues is a natural duty,” “obeying parents’ wishes,” or “being in a competitive team obligates working longer hours,” and so on.
When we want to refuse these demands, blackmailers will openly accuse us of being irresponsible, and our self-blame follows.
It’s clear that using “intimidation, belittlement, and causing self-blame” for emotional blackmail is indeed a manipulative tool.
Consequences of Emotional Blackmail and How to Break Free
You might say, “But I’ve seen many people deal with this, just like Zhou Yu and Huang Gai in the Three Kingdoms, accepting their fates. What’s wrong with that?”
Susan Forward emphasizes that emotional blackmail not only makes us suffer, but more importantly, it deprives us of our “self-integrity.” In other words, while constantly giving in, we gradually lose control over ourselves.
Miss S is Miss L’s boss, and they have a good relationship, often eating and shopping together after work. One day, L asked S to join a core project team and shared her frustrations about feeling unfulfilled. But S thought L was inexperienced and not capable, so she politely refused.
L immediately accused S of being selfish and prioritizing authority over their sisterhood. S felt tormented by her conscience and repeatedly gave in to L. It wasn’t until a talk with the leadership that S realized she had crossed the line of company interests.
Their friendship naturally couldn’t continue: S was filled with reflection and dilemma, and L left the company. This is the end result of emotional blackmail: both parties lose, becoming losers.
How to Break Free from the Vicious Cycle of Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is more like a slow poison, silently deteriorating seemingly harmonious relationships. The best way to maintain a healthy relationship is to not compromise when you realize you are being emotionally blackmailed and take immediate action to resolve it.
Emotional blackmail is a form of extortion, and we can refer to the negotiation between police and extortionists in crime films to handle a relationship with blackmailers.
(1) Ease the conflict. If facing a knife-wielding extortionist, we certainly wouldn’t confront them head-on. Similarly, when facing emotional blackmailers, whether through direct statements or body language, we need to make it clear to them: we are not here to oppose or confront them, but to communicate for everyone’s benefit. What seems like a serious contradiction currently is just their perspective and our viewpoint, and it’s not something that can’t be negotiated.
(2) Learn to listen. Emotional blackmailers are not irredeemable. In fact, it’s sometimes because they lack a sense of security in a relationship that they use this “hurting themselves while trying to hurt others” tactic. Faced with their aggression, we can try to ask back: What do you think is the most appropriate way to handle this? If you were in my position, how would you handle it? Then, find a breakthrough from their response to maintain your bottom line.
(3) Discuss conditions. Emphasize to the emotional blackmailer that in a relationship, if one party sacrifices while the other benefits, it’s unfair. Both parties should strive for balanced rights and obligations. For example, “If I do A, I hope you can do B,” to rescue yourself from a situation of one-sided concessions.
(4) Be yourself. America’s most influential psychotherapist, Satir, once wrote a poem called “I am me,” beginning like this:
I am me.
In this world, no one is exactly like me.
Some people have certain parts similar to me, but no one is exactly the same as me.
So, everything that comes from me truly belongs to me, because it’s my personal choice.
Because we are afraid to be ourselves, we repeatedly fall into emotional blackmail, which in turn makes us increasingly afraid to say “no,” afraid to be ourselves. How can someone who no longer has their true self contribute love and passion in an intimate relationship? Therefore, to break free from emotional blackmail and have healthy relationships, we need to start from the source and ask ourselves why we are so easily manipulated and what we are afraid of.
For those who are easily emotionally blackmailed and afraid to refuse, do you lack security and confidence, or have unhealed childhood trauma?