If you’re still on the path to finding a partner, if you still want to, don’t dwell in a state of “waiting.” It will only make you feel more helpless. What can truly help you is to boost your self-efficacy, which is the essential mindset for getting into a relationship.
Are you in one of these situations?
- You want to be in a relationship but feel helpless, not knowing what to do, and maybe even a little depressed.
- You feel that you have poor qualities (no money, not good-looking, etc.), so you believe no girl will like you.
- You try to avoid your need for a relationship by focusing on other things (work, gaming, etc.), but deep down, you still long for a relationship.
If you’re experiencing any of these, you’re actually not in a dilemma of getting into a relationship but caught in “learned helplessness.”
“Learned helplessness” prevents you from taking action and traps you in your emotions. So, if you’re single due to this situation, the first thing you need to do is to develop self-efficacy.
Self-efficacy is the only way to overcome “learned helplessness” and successfully get into a relationship.
“Learned helplessness” arises from a lack of control over life and other things, and a large number of people in this situation excessively believe that their problems are external (e.g., girls are too picky, their own qualities are poor).
Extensive psychological research has shown a significant connection between learned helplessness and perceived stress, especially among women. Therefore, those dealing with this situation need to address internal factors rather than learning methods.
Internal factors don’t refer to emotions but understanding one’s situation, which is closely related to one’s behavior, leading to the initial development of self-efficacy.
1 Learned Helplessness on the Path to Getting into a Relationship
“Learned helplessness” is a concept proposed by American psychologist Seligman in 1967 during animal studies.
In a classic experiment, he initially subjected a dog to unpleasant electric shocks while confined in a cage. After several experiments, the door was opened before the shock, but the dog didn’t escape; it lay down and trembled. This is learned helplessness.
“Learned helplessness” refers to a passive response resulting from repeated failures or punishment, reflecting a state of hopelessness and helplessness towards reality.
Many single men find it hard to get into a relationship not due to immediate issues like lack of work, income, low income, caregiving responsibilities, etc., but because of their negative psychological state.
Most men falling into “learned helplessness” do so due to past rejections or failures while pursuing or dating women. Some were rejected from the start, and some may have initially received positive responses but eventually failed. They feel they can’t “get it right.”
As a result, they fall into “learned helplessness,” feeling hopeless about getting into a relationship and believing there’s no hope. Meeting a girl they like or a pretty girl creates a lot of pressure and even fear. They’re too scared to approach, convinced that girls won’t like them and refrain from taking action.
This behavior stems from previous negative experiences with women, and the resulting negative emotions are stored in the brain. When similar situations arise, these emotional memories are triggered, leading to emotional paralysis, just like the dog in the experiment, forgetting they can escape, resigning to despair.
The reason for “learned helplessness” is the distorted cognition B in the ABC model of stress management.
2 What Is Self-Efficacy?
Self-efficacy is a person’s subjective evaluation of their ability to perform a certain job. This assessment directly influences a person’s behavior motivation.
People with high self-efficacy tend to imagine successful scenarios and experience subtle changes in body states related to these activities when facing new tasks. This supports and improves task execution, treating the task as a challenge.
In contrast, people with low self-efficacy tend to imagine failure scenarios, worry about their abilities, and focus on possible mistakes, leading to negative effects on actual achievements. They treat the task as a difficulty to avoid.
People with high self-efficacy attribute success to their own ability and effort, while failure is attributed to lack of skills and effort. This thinking promotes motivation and skill development, leading to greater chances of success.
In the context of approaching women, people with low self-efficacy worry about past failures and fear possible rejections. They feel great pressure and can’t approach with confidence. Even if they do, they’re tense. If they fail, they fall into endless self-blame, believing they are not good enough and that women won’t like them.
On the other hand, people with high self-efficacy tend to envision successful approaches when interacting with someone they like. They are braver, experience less psychological pressure, and are more relaxed and at ease. Even if they fail, they attribute it to internal reasons and remain unemotional.
3 How to Improve Self-Efficacy
Improving self-efficacy is crucial for everyone, determining one’s stress response, anxiety levels, and depressive tendencies when facing possible dangers, misfortunes, and disasters.
- Look for Internal Causes, Not External Ones
When faced with any problem or difficulty, avoid external reasons and excuses. Don’t blame women for liking money, or focus on unchangeable factors like height. You need to change your mindset and understand that these factors aren’t the root cause.
Correct your mindset and believe that by improving communication skills and social abilities, you can definitely get into a relationship.
- Focus on the Process and Not Just the Result
Don’t just focus on the outcome and ignore the process. Results without a process only build false confidence, and eventually, you won’t know how to proceed.
When pursuing women, don’t just think about whether you can get a girlfriend, but also whether you can do better. When the girl’s response is lukewarm, don’t think that if you can’t succeed, there’s no need to persist, but think about whether you can try harder next time.
- Don’t Seek Negative Internal Causes When the Result Is Determined
When your self-efficacy is low and the result is determined, don’t overthink or seek negative internal causes. This can lead to self-blame, self-doubt, and even extreme behaviors.
Many people have extreme views online, like “Women only love money, and you can only find a girlfriend if you’re rich,” or “Being nice to women means groveling.” These individuals have likely engaged in such behaviors but didn’t get a positive response, leading to self-doubt and extreme views.
When the result is certain, it’s more important to find positive meaning while reflecting. For example, if a girl rejects you, don’t doubt yourself and think that girls don’t like you. Instead, consider that this failure may be due to a lack of preparation and awkwardness. With this lesson, you can be better prepared next time and succeed.
4 Attitude Is Key to Success
Adjusting your attitude is crucial for a correct perspective and self-improvement.
With a positive attitude, you’ll increase your self-efficacy, leading to more motivation, enhanced action, reduced stress, emotional stability, and higher chances of success. Through effort and good results, your self-efficacy will further strengthen, forming a virtuous cycle.
By continuously adjusting your mindset and increasing your self-efficacy, you’ll find yourself handling things with more ease, free from negative and depressive emotions.