Embracing Independence: The Journey of Self-Discovery Without Love
I have a friend who hasn’t been close with any men since experiencing a failed relationship seven years ago. People around her worry, especially her parents, as she’s over thirty and still doesn’t have a boyfriend.
She confided in me, “I have something that people my age don’t have, and that’s self-respect and shame. I know my worth, and I don’t want to get my heart broken again. I don’t want to give myself to anyone. I just want to live safely and proudly.”
As we reach a certain stage, we understand more and more that our sense of security can only come from our bank account balance and our inner strength. We weigh the pros and cons, we count the cost, and we can’t risk getting our hearts broken again. Perhaps this is when we realize that we really don’t need love anymore.
When we were young, we probably loved someone with all our might.
I knew a passionate girl who would do anything once she set her sights on someone.
She would lose weight for him, travel overnight by train to see him, and change herself to fit his liking. She would pretend to be generous and forgive him for forgetting her birthday, ignoring their anniversary, or flirting with other girls.
But even with all her efforts, she still lived in constant fear. It’s safe to say that when one loves another, they’re always in a position of humility and lack of control.
Like all girls in love, she feared he would leave her, find someone better, or dislike her temper, and she was afraid that their intense love would still end in a breakup.
Eventually, they did break up. Their two-year relationship crumbled in the face of reality. It proved Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory—when you can’t eat, you don’t have time to think about love.
Afterward, she smoked and drank excessively for three months, day and night. Later, she finally accepted that he had left. On sunny afternoons, she could go outside and bask in the sun.
Once when I visited her and we had a few drinks, she looked up and asked me, “I’m drunk now, can I call him?” She cried, saying, “I think of him countless times every day, wishing he were here.”
It took her two years to forget him. Now she can fix her own toilet, travel, and lead a bright life. She eats well, her hair has grown to her waist, and she exercises regularly, focusing on self-improvement.
She also told me she doesn’t want to date anymore. Perhaps, after enduring the hardest times, one no longer seeks reliance and sees everyone as a burden.
After being single for a long time, you start feeling like you’re not cut out for love.
You fear the insecurity and don’t want to empty yourself. You don’t want to invest your hopes in someone else because it will surely lead to disappointment.
A friend wrote on Twitter:
“I don’t like the feeling of my heart being tied to another person;
I don’t like spending a lot of time thinking about another person’s feelings;
I don’t like feeling anxious and unsure;
I don’t like doing nothing all day, just waiting for a message from someone;
I don’t like it,
I don’t like feeling insecure and losing myself;
I just want to be a calm and self-sufficient person, always able to address issues like a surgeon operating on themselves.
I want to study seriously, work hard, travel, and make myself richer.
I want to spend more time with my family, share joy with my best friends, and love myself more. Give myself the love I once gave to others again.
I want to be responsible for myself and do things meant for two efficiently alone.
This is probably the voice of everyone who doesn’t need love.
“I’ve never understood why people spend their whole lives pursuing companionship. Maybe I find myself too interesting to need someone else’s company. So, I wish you as much happiness with each other as I give to myself.”
Sometimes, many girls ask me if they’ll never meet someone they like who likes them back. I say it’s not true. It’s just that you perhaps understand better what you want, what kind of life you want, and what kind of person suits you best, so you won’t waste your energy on someone with no future.
Many people, after crawling out of the abyss of love, become survivors. They see the vast world, its colorful scenery, and enjoy the freedom and happiness they can grasp in the present. One can travel the world alone, and at this point, love really isn’t a necessity in life anymore.
They understand more that, with or without love, they can still live their lives.